Three hours in total silence. I'm sitting in same room as he, I know he's sitting somewhere behind me, but I can't turn around and look. I have to focus on my exam, I have a text to translate and I'm running out of time. Still I can't stop thinking about it...
I haven't seen him for a very long time. Maybe a year.
But today he passed by me and even said hi. He didn't smile, but he said hi and then he looked away, left me standing there, turning my head for no reason. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm okay with it, I guess. It was many years ago, but still I feel something and I know what it is. It is called.....shame.
I let him down, I betrayed him, I was selfish. That's why his greeting was distant. I can't expect anything else. In fact I'm surprised that he would greet me.
Why did I hurt him? For what reason? He never deserved it! He fought for me, he protected me, loved me.
I was young, stupid and he was my first real love, it was my first serious relationship and I had no clue what so ever how to be the perfect girlfriend.
I regret, yes I regret the pain I caused. But I know that some of the painful lessons in life are necessary. Without this lesson, I would have never changed. Never would I have become the loyal person that I am today. So looking into his eyes made me want to escape. I felt guilty. Still guilty, after so many years. I forgave myself, but that's as long as I don't have to face him. But that morning was different. I didn't deserve the look he gave me, neither the "hi". Though he didn't ignore me as he did for 1½ year right after it happened. It was the worst punishment a person could imagine. Being ignored is worse than anything else. I was waiting for a reaction, any kind of reaction, but nothing happened and I was left alone.
I haven't seen him for a very long time. Maybe a year.
But today he passed by me and even said hi. He didn't smile, but he said hi and then he looked away, left me standing there, turning my head for no reason. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm okay with it, I guess. It was many years ago, but still I feel something and I know what it is. It is called.....shame.
I let him down, I betrayed him, I was selfish. That's why his greeting was distant. I can't expect anything else. In fact I'm surprised that he would greet me.
Why did I hurt him? For what reason? He never deserved it! He fought for me, he protected me, loved me.
I was young, stupid and he was my first real love, it was my first serious relationship and I had no clue what so ever how to be the perfect girlfriend.
I regret, yes I regret the pain I caused. But I know that some of the painful lessons in life are necessary. Without this lesson, I would have never changed. Never would I have become the loyal person that I am today. So looking into his eyes made me want to escape. I felt guilty. Still guilty, after so many years. I forgave myself, but that's as long as I don't have to face him. But that morning was different. I didn't deserve the look he gave me, neither the "hi". Though he didn't ignore me as he did for 1½ year right after it happened. It was the worst punishment a person could imagine. Being ignored is worse than anything else. I was waiting for a reaction, any kind of reaction, but nothing happened and I was left alone.
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